she does sound optimistic though

The fact that mothers and infants benefit from the process of recreating a state of mutual regulation after mismatching and dysregulation offers an entirely different perspective on what it means to be ‘‘good enough,’’ to grow, to heal. (6)the safety of nonretaliatory survival means that the uncontrollability and unpredictability of the other can become a source of joy. (7)But Aron was also careful to stress asymmetry along with mutuality, which made mutuality in practice seem less dangerous. This seemed to me, as it still does, a crucial tension; further it implies (a point I was first able to articulate in thinking through with Aron) the need to be connected to the third as a principle of interaction.This appeared to me gradually, a decade after the book, as the idea of the third (Aron and Benjamin, 2000; Benjamin, 2004, 2011) as what we surrender to, a mutually created choreography that survives rupture and creates a sense of lawfulness. Rupture and repair could be described as a dyadic movement, an overarching process of the third that choreographs both partners. This movement creates new relational patterns or expectancies in both; in responding to these expectancies each creates recognition in self and in the other. This sense of shared expectancy can occur within an asymmetrical relation of giver and receiver of nurturance—a fact that may serve to clarify the essential point that mutual recognition is not based on identical or symmetrical experiences but rather is a relational movement that can encompass a great deal of difference or asymmetry in identities as well as complementary roles. (8)The language psychoanalysis invented to open up those contents originally was so organized by the oedipal binary as to be punitive, but the postoedipal world of play can still make great use of psychoanalytic language to break free of the punitive, to unlock desire produced in a world of subjects who are at least partially knowable to each other. This is all the more true when we use psychoanalysis ‘‘with culture in mind,’’ with a grasp of social interpellation (Dimen, 2011). Resisting the split between identificatory love and object love, reconfiguring the meaning of subjects and objects, is part of resisting normativity and regulation in the name of producing something other. That something might be called overinclusiveness, multiplicity, or queerness, but what matters to me is its preservation of emotional aliveness and recognition in the face of pain and shame. (12–13)